Haste
Heed these timeless words of advice and you won't believe the way your life will change! No, I'm not saying that you should miss the bus to work. I'm recommending that you actually think before you act. The fact is that most of what causes the need to rush is a result of having acted without proper forethought. "Show me someone who can't sit still, and I'll show you something trying to get out of its own way." - Raphael Sidelman Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Hold on Bro!
‘Nuff said. This unique take on the classic painting by Michelangelo immediately came to me as I recently set eyes on the original. Clearly my mind has a mind of its own, but the fact that this concept instantly struck me as an obvious update to the original highlights how far we’ve fallen. Of course, those of you who are in the know recognize that my failure to incorporate homosexuality, pedophilia, wealth redistribution, and God and Adam represented by a strong female presence through people of color, into my update is also proof of how far I’ve personally fallen. Come to think of it, why hasn’t the original artwork been removed or painted over yet? Members of the Union of Truth work to hone their level of self-awareness so that spotting and avoiding diversions and officially sanctioned absurdity (forgive the redundancy) becomes a self-perpetuating habit. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Rheely High - Grizzlies
"A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole." - Frank Zappa" Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Will wash for sex
Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and sacrifice even the most heartfelt convictions. I'm not saying I would do it, but I figured that I'd offer up this highly effective piece of self-promotion to those among us who just don't know where to draw the line. And like G.K. Chesterton said, 'Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.' Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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One flavor, take it or leave it
But don't be fooled, this is one super tasty t-shirt! And while we're on the subject of taste, what exactly is it that makes premium brand snacks taste so much better than store brands? Is it really the ingredients, or is it the result of a much more ingenious plot to control our taste buds - the premium shelf space that they purchase from the store to entice our simplistic minds with their premium packaging! (Did you happen to notice that they're putting the snack products with packaging aimed at children on the lower shelves, at their eye level? *Hint: you might want to give your child a hand-held video device to play with while shopping, so he/she/it - I'm not privy to their sexual orientation - can avoid such nefarious plots to trap them in a consumeristic mold!) In Double Blind University taste tests, our scrumptious threads were found to be consistently preferred - 68 to 1 above the competition (and I later discovered that the dissenting party voted as such merely because the shirt failed to offer a "Trigger Warning" to its unsuspecting victims). We freshly bake all of our t-shirts with love, unlike the other guys who fry theirs on automated assembly lines and then freeze them for shipping! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Go Fishing Bear
You must forgive that silly bear. He’s ignorant through no fault of his own. How can he be expected to know that by way of working, humans are able to easily exchange slips of paper and/or electronic credits* for the full-strength pharmaceutical drugs, plastics, and agricultural and industrial chemicals that he is only able to ingest in diluted amounts, by way of catching and eating that fish? (*Note that I’m referring only to those slips of paper and/or electronic credits that their "public servants" allow them to keep, after having diluted the currency’s market value through taxation and inflation) Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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It's all good
Ah, the wonders that occur when science is properly applied... No, really. I know you're waiting for me to talk about how crazy it is for the FDA to approve medicines for allergies whose side effects include kidney failure, internal bleeding, and cardiac arrest, but I won't. Nor will I comment on any of the other stupidity that results from the misuse of such potentially harmful products. Caveat Emptor baby! The only side effects related to our pharmaceutical grade threads are what you'd expect: the adulation of your peers, higher social standing, feelings of euphoria, and the uncanny ability to purchase winning instant lottery tickets! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Former Vegetarian
What's my opinion of political correctness? I'm glad you asked. Here's my take on those proselytizers of their own twisted morality, who seek the elimination of everyone else’s freedom: A steamy pile of dog shit provides infinitely greater appeal. Though they’re both un-palatable, the dog shit doesn’t try to spread its stench and disease causing poison. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s all admit that this is one funny t-shirt! Remember, each open mindedly cool t-shirt we sell is a custom t-shirt made to order just for you. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Rheely High - Cobras
"If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in." - Bill Hicks Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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If you don't love me
Let this self actualized Pig be a lesson to us all - don't allow yourself to get "penned in" by the judgment of others! Wear this self-esteem inducing t-shirt to proudly express your hard earned independence! And, since eternal vigilance is the price of liberty: Did you notice how our pink protagonist deftly avoided being booked on "Hate Speech" charges by using the word "Kosher" instead of "Halal"? Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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I'll Fix it (pale skin female)
I can’t possibly be the only male who feels like she’s talking directly to me… Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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I'll Fix it (dark skin female)
I can’t possibly be the only male who feels like she’s talking directly to me… Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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I'll fix it (pale skin male)
Not surprisingly, the mainstream media has been highly critical of this design. The following quotes are just a few of their many instructive comments:
- "This is beyond the scope of a mere microaggression - an apparently straight, white male who's going to fix the problem! Seriously?"
- "Highly irresponsible to say the least. Where's the picture of a concerned member of Congress who's ready to take real action by raising the debt ceiling again, or by creating a blue ribbon panel to study the problem and provide expert advice on how to fix it?"
- "Management dropped the ball on this one - BIG TIME. What meaningful problem can a blue collar worker actually fix?
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I'll fix it (dark skin male)
Not surprisingly, the mainstream media has been highly critical of this design. The following quotes are just a few of their many instructive comments:
- "This is beyond the scope of a mere microaggression! Seriously, where does the privileged white guy who designed this shirt get off thinking that he has any understanding of the problems that dark skinned males face?
- "Highly irresponsible to say the least. Where's the picture of a concerned member of Congress who's ready to take real action by raising the debt ceiling again, or by creating a blue ribbon panel to study the problem and provide expert advice on how to fix it?"
- "Management dropped the ball on this one - BIG TIME. What meaningful problem can a blue collar worker actually fix?
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Save a Tree
Do you appreciate being able to fill your lungs with some semblance of fresh air?
Well then, it's time for you to take one for the team. Those sharp edges won't bother you much after you've built up a callus!
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Satisfaction
Dogs are great, but come on. Not only mustn't I walk it, it picks up after me! And who hasn't received its unconditional love as they hugged it, so as to not fall into outer space, while simultaneously puking on it in a drunken melee? Through it all, did your porcelain pal ever once whine or try to get away? When is the last time it took a shit on the couch? Or chewed up something that you wanted to be able to ruin on your own terms? I rest my case. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Get er done - Brand Hot Sauce
Then again, if your idea of productivity is soiling the sheets with battery acid-like rectal juice, heck, you'll be the employee of the week! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Prescription drug abuser and Patriot
It’s not your fault, heck; doctors practically push the darn things on us. Plus, if you think about it, fault implies some type of responsibility. No thanks! Remember, you’ll be fine just as long as you keep getting jabbed and don’t get too whacked out to stay upright for the national anthem... Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Double mocha latte please!
Yes, that is exactly what you look like in the morning; except that you usually have some dried snot in your left nostril too (would you rather I didn’t tell you?). Oh, and did I mention dog breath? But get some caffeine flowing through those clogging arteries and even these luscious t-shirts and other high-end designer threads have a tough time doing justice to such an aesthetically pleasing being as yourself! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Aqua
Now, at the risk of being attacked on numerous fronts by numerous interests, I've got to ask: In a country where Billions of tax dollars are regularly used to subsidize the profits of many companies, what exactly are the logical reasons why actual clean water isn't readily available from every public-water-supplied modern plumbing system and water fountain? What explanation might the "Law of Parsimony" suggest? (If you click on the first link, be sure to note that the listed amounts of subsidies for the first 36 companies shown are each in the Billions of dollars.) Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Wake me
Funny, most people who have this realization simply drug themselves into a deeper sleep - the varieties are almost limitless these days. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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That!
Finally had enough? Wear this elegant design to prove that you're not just filing a complaint! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Roughing it
I don't get it either! What is there to not like about having rocks and twigs stabbing you in the ass and back while you get bitten up by the mosquitoes that followed you back into your lush digs after you got dressed, grabbed a flashlight, and then hiked around in a failed attempt to find a comfy place to squat down and shit? Remember, each Adirondack trail-worthy t-shirt we sell is a custom printed t-shirt made to order just for you! *BTW, if anyone wishes to send us a vintage-art-looking image of a male person of color that we can add to his own "Roughing it" t-shirt, we'll send you a couple of free t-shirts and we'll start selling the new design ASAP! (Plenty of time was spent searching for such an image; but, sadly, none could be found) Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Roughing it - female
I don't get it either! What is there to not like about having rocks and twigs stabbing you in the ass and back while you get bitten up by the mosquitoes that followed you back into your lush digs after you got dressed, grabbed a flashlight, and then hiked around in a failed attempt to find a comfy place to squat down and shit? Remember, each Adirondack trail-worthy t-shirt we sell is a custom printed t-shirt made to order just for you! *BTW, if anyone wishes to send us a vintage-art-looking image of a female person of color that we can add to her own "Roughing it" t-shirt, we'll send you a couple of free t-shirts and we'll start selling the new design ASAP! (Plenty of time was spent searching for such an image; but, sadly, none could be found) Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Former child TV star
This one they might believe, since many child stars grow up to be unattractive losers. Which is not to say that those has-beens don't still score more residual, groupie ass and free stuff than your never-been self does. Hence the functionality of this magnet-like t-shirt! Remember, each rerun worthy t-shirt we sell is a custom t-shirt made to order just for you. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Crackaholic
Why do drunks get all of the respect? Is it because they're addicted to a legal drug whose makers have worked tirelessly to make its presence requisite at all mainstream social functions? Could it be the non-stop running of commercials on TV glorifying anything that can be construed to have any relation to alcohol? Or could it be that crack smokers, without such a well-heeled constituency, are often forced, because of their disease, to do things for five bucks that even a Super PAC-funded politician might consider out of bounds? Whatever the reason, let's make the stigma of being a "Crackhead" a thing of the past. In America we know that perception is everything and that proper perception starts with the right name, so do your part by wearing this socially conscious t-shirt! Before you know it, the election and re-election of crack smoking mayors will no longer be isolated to our nation's capital... Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Expert
A lot of people talk smack, but this heady t-shirt boldly backs up your claim! If anyone questions your accreditation, just tell them that the shirt speaks for itself. It’s a proven strategy based upon the game plan successfully being implemented by the current crop of criminals in government and the media - so why not put it to work for yourself?! Doughnuts are tasty! But then again, so are our deliciously satisfying t-shirts… and they have less fat in them than doughnuts (until you put them on). Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Former Conspiracy Theorist
It's amazing what a little shock therapy can do to an inordinately insightful mind. But nightmares be damned - wearing this t-shirt is like waving a white flag at all of those conspiring, electrode administering thieves. As long as you have it on they'll never suspect that you're still hip to their global web of deceitful control! Don't think for one second that you're the only one who sees through the subterfuge of all those multi-topping pizza deals and the "rent a car" commercials that run incessantly during games that are played with a ball or puck. And how could they think we wouldn't notice that they're mostly on during the time outs? Those Machiavellian masters of misdirection can't manipulate our minds with their machinations! Remember, each suspiciously funny t-shirt we sell is a custom t-shirt made to order just for you. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Former athlete
Truth be told, this gem was inspired by the many greats who have shamelessly let themselves go to the crapper. I won't name names... Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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What are the odds?
What are they? But more importantly, how is it that a Cow, whose educational resume pales beside my own, could arrive at such an interestingly abstract thought before me? Remember, each Prime t-shirt we sell is a custom t-shirt made to order just for you. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com - they print and ship our products.
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Whatever you say dear fishing (dark skin)
Don't even try to act like you aren't dying for one of these! Put aside your fears and facade of morality - do you know how many of these I've sold to religious leaders whose faith allows them to get laid? Word to the mother; wearing this t-shirt will actually help you get ass! You won't believe how those manipulators of your manhood will practically throw their delicate delta of deceit at you when they truly believe that you don't want it! Ask any guy who's gotten more than a little action in his day. I know it's almost an oxymoron, but if you could find an honest woman she'd admit that I speak the truth. The truth, my friends, is a unisex garment... and I just happen to be its personal clothier! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Whatever you say dear fishing (pale skin)
Don't even try to act like you aren't dying for one of these! Put aside your fears and facade of morality - do you know how many of these I've sold to religious leaders whose faith allows them to get laid? Word to the mother; wearing this t-shirt will actually help you get ass! You won't believe how those manipulators of your manhood will practically throw their delicate delta of deceit at you when they truly believe that you don't want it! Ask any guy who's gotten more than a little action in his day. I know it's almost an oxymoron, but if you could find an honest woman she'd admit that I speak the truth. The truth, my friends, is a unisex garment... and I just happen to be its personal clothier! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Whatever you say dear (dark skin)
Ladies (and those of you who identify as such), as you can see, your right to wear this gem of a phrase on a stylish t-shirt has been respectfully acknowledged and artistically upheld! I'll be the first to admit that there are plenty of pussies with a penis out there who are so far up your ass that your stomach hurts. Maybe those aren't menstrual cramps! (Did anyone else notice something telling within the first three letters of the word "menstrual"?) The truth, my friends, is a unisex garment... and I just happen to be its personal clothier! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com - they print and ship our products.
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Whatever you say dear (pale skin)
Ladies (and those of you who identify as such), as you can see, your right to wear this gem of a phrase on a stylish t-shirt has been respectfully acknowledged and artistically upheld! I'll be the first to admit that there are plenty of pussies with a penis out there who are so far up your ass that your stomach hurts. Maybe those aren't menstrual cramps! (Did anyone else notice something telling within the first three letters of the word "menstrual"?) The truth, my friends, is a unisex garment... and I just happen to be its personal clothier! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Get you laid
Empty calories my ass. That scrumptious cake is selflessly thinking of you! But how did it know exactly what's been on your mind? Looking great is a piece of cake in our yummy t-shirts! Let us help you reach your potential as a true representative of style and sophistication - buy something from us! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Go Fishing
No silly, the fish isn't saying that! I put the rascal there to give you a visual, so your mind wouldn't have to work too hard at conceptualizing what the shirt is trying to convey... Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Go hunting
What can I tell you, it's not my thing; but I will admit that if they could get the upper hand on us we'd be in for the kind of civil rights battle that would have even the greatest of pacifists pulling the trigger. Those hairy beasts eat conscientious objectors for breakfast! What? Don't confuse me with the fact that Deer are herbivores! (Talk about desperately needing a safe space or a gender neutral bathroom to duck into so as to protect the feelings and beliefs that I identify with!) Remember, each "trigger warning" worthy t-shirt we sell is a custom printed t-shirt made just for you. Don't be a denier of the fact that your social climate will change for the better once you've been spotted wearing this culturally appropriating design! Buy two, in case the one you're wearing gets stolen! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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The speed limit classic
Don't let the fact that every fiber of your being is telling you to buy this kick ass t-shirt make you do anything you might regret... You can just tell people that you see wearing it how you really thought long and hard about buying it, but ultimately decided to defer because you need to keep saving up for the cherry Cadillac Cimarron you have your eye on. Listen up: if I even suspect that you were on the fence about this one, I'm not selling you the shirt! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Scooter
That's right, show all those roughneck scofflaws that pocket protectors aren't just for pussies! You can also brag about the fact that your ride is no "Hog" when it comes to sipping on go-go juice! Remember, each recklessly humorous t-shirt we sell is a custom printed t-shirt made to order just for you. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Rheely High - Sharks
"The illegality of cannabis is outrageous, an impediment to full utilization of a drug which helps produce the serenity and insight, sensitivity and fellowship so desperately needed in this increasingly mad and dangerous world." - Carl Sagan Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Woman Scorned - Brand Hot Sauce
How dangerous is it? Well, we've taken hot sauce to a whole new level with this blend. You see, rather than using the traditional method of adding juice from various strains of hot peppers to create the burning effects, we have actually replicated the chemical compounds that are sent to a woman's brain when she gets angry! The bottle isn't even made of regular glass. This stuff melted everything we tried putting it in - until we contacted the National Institute of Radioisotopes and got hooked up with the stuff that they use for spent nuclear reactor rods! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Thank You - for not being an asshole
In order to be positively reinforced, good behavior must be acknowledged. The fact that their good behavior won't initially last too long shouldn't get you down, this training tool disguised as an adorable t-shirt is designed for the long haul! *WARNING: testing on its presentation to a cop that has just pulled me over is not consistently yielding the most favorable results - but I'm working on a new color scheme that should soon do the trick... Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com - they print and ship our products.
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Former world champion
You've got to appreciate the way I left the details of this deceptive claim in your hands. It's almost like I'm saying, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", except that your expertly woven tale of bullshit is what will be in the eye of the beholder! Caveat Emptor baby! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Abstinence
*Note that this design is not intended to be taken as advice by anyone – especially minors and those who aren’t smart enough to take precautions to avoid unwanted pregnancies and STD’s! Sure condoms are a drag, but then again, raising kids that you didn’t plan on having (with someone who you didn’t even dig looking at with the lights on during your three minute dance toward eternal bondage) shant be too cool either; especially when they gave you the clap, or worse… Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Less Than Thrilled
Perfect attire for when you'd rather be doing ANYTHING else, but don't have a meaningful say in the matter. For men and women! And all types of furries and unicorns too! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Chernobyl - Brand Hot Sauce
Put it this way, we’ve been told by its victims to recommend that you tuck your pants into your socks before you try it! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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All Saints - Brand Hot Sauce
You better get out the rosaries, because you'll swear that you're exercising a demon from your ass! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Former Ivy Leaguer
You might have a shot with this prestige inducing garment - IF: 1- You speak as little as possible. 2- The people who see you wearing it have never had any prior conversations with you. 3- The people who see you wearing do not know, or care to know, what the word "Haud" means. BTW, where does one apply to become an expansion team in this "Ivy League"? Might the city where I propose to build my stadium of learning pay for it because of the revenue that will be generated? Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Pot Smoker and Patriot
By all means, feel free to point out the passages in our Constitution or Declaration of Independence where our forefathers, with their legendary foresight, condemn this blessedly harmless plant. Hmmm, let me think this one out – one inhalation from a vaporizer that presents way less health risk than a drive through the Lincoln tunnel and whose wondrous effects one feels for a few hours, or suffering through the large quantities of alcohol that neither one’s kidneys nor their taste buds enjoy, and whose widespread and often encouraged over-consumption leads to vomiting, possible poisoning, and well-documented physical addiction; not to mention that the enjoyable feelings alcohol produces are not even in the same galaxy as those of Marijuana. I could go on, but why waste my time? For most people, seeing isn’t believing; believing is seeing. Funny, I don’t see a special definition in the dictionary for “Liberty” or the “pursuit of Happiness” that only applies to what other people want to arbitrarily grant you; nor do I see anything about such rights needing to be granted to you by anyone else! Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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Exclusive Clothier of Earth's Beautiful People
You’ve got to admit that this is one sly piece of self-promotion. I mean, not only will it aid your aesthetic appearance if you’ve bought it in the correct size, but its iconic tagline and logo subtly imply that you’re one of the beautiful people being referenced! And for those among us who are not yet in the know: If you were to Google the definition of the word Beauty, one of the explanations you’d find is “an excellent specimen or example of something”. I think I can work with that. Now don’t get me wrong; there are a variety of products that cost just a few hundred thousand dollars more than this shirt which will provide almost the same level of effective publicity. And, as it should be, the choice is yours. Click the button to see it in other colors and to buy it on Spring.com – they print and ship our products.
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